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Hey guys. Just fyi, I'm on Tumblr as chevko. That's where I've been. Find me there.

An update...

So... Work is going pretty well. This is the last week of transition then we'll be off on our own and mostly split up next week... Yesterday we found out who our new team leaders will be and we're mostly split into groups of two. Other than that, I'm learning things and making some money.


That all aside... I'm getting terrified of my relationship again. I can see why some women lie about their age. Right now I'm close to crying. I'm scared of my boyfriend or anything like that, I'm just always terrified about tomorrow because I'm scared of... well. The far future, I'll say it like that. I think it might have to do with my boyfriend's lack of faith in an afterlife (as I understand it). I don't see how some can believe there's nothing... If I started down that path, then... why live? Seriously. Why bother living? We're here for an eyeblink, so why bother going through so much? Yeah, sure, there are some good things in life, but the grief outweighs them all in my opinion.

My fears are messing with my need to communicate because I don't want to break down and start crying and freak him out. I also don't want him to worry, so I keep it all bottled up inside until I break down and start crying somewhere or until I let it out in a medium like this. Like last on Sunday I had some major insecurities because we had a rough patch for a few days when he was just straight-up unhappy with our relationship because I was being so bitchy and unmanageable. Bickering about anything and everything. The last straw with him was when I was jabbing at our different tastes in music. "Then I don't see why we're together" or something like that. It was really a wake-up call and from then on I was absolutely terrified about our relationship and I filled him in on my bad breakup. "Well... if you can love someone like him so much and me, then you can do so again." Oh, I was so scared...


I dunno why I'm so terrified of everything other than I'm terrified of losing him. It's an insecurity issue. I know this. I just wish that I could get over it...

Who just got hired?

Dis bitch! Dat's who!!



... Actually. If I EVER start an entry like that again... please, please, please smack me. Alright?

.... Actually. If I EVER type/talk like that, please smack me. Seriously.


:iconlaplz: But yus!! I got hired! I got hired!! :iconlaplz:


And I got called just as I was napping, too ;o; I wasn't professional or anything D: I so totally passed that by the skin of my teeth ;o;

But she said she liked me, so she was going to give me a chance and to "not let [her] down"! ... I hope I don't D: Omigawd .___.



ANYWAY, YUS!!

OHMYGOD. I GOT CALLED. BY ENTERPRISE. HOLY CRAP. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO CRY, DANCE, SING OR GO TO SLEEP.


$12 an hour!! I don't know if I want them to call me back ;o; It'sallsoscaryyyy ;___;


Also, I'm RPing here now~

Tags:

BLAHSD;FAKLJSDFAL

So, I'm on my two-week notice for living with my boyfriend's parents. They actually mean it this time (as compared to the bazillion other times they've said it).


Aaaand... So far my most promising job prospect is one that's actually got me freaked out to fucking tears.

Working as a sales rep for Enterprise.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

That simulation about had me fucking crying. I want a job that's nice. Cuddly. Friendly. Working with food, preferably. Or animals. Not one that's got me working with so much information it makes me want to curl up into the fetal position.


I don't think I could do a work at home kind of job. I need to call CVS tomorrow. Again. For-the-second-time again, that is. I'm terrified of working for Enterprise at home. I actually looked at WAL-MART to see if I could apply online. Yes. I'm that freaked the fuck out.


Anyone in St. Louis? I could use some help...

Blah.

 Even more horrible than before I am!! *Ladylike swoon onto fainting couch.*

Soo.... I have 20 Things I Know To Be True to post... I have updates on my life to post... Blah.


Well, I'll start on the updates.

So... My boyfriend and his mom want me to quit the job I have because I get <6 hours a week right now so I can focus on getting a new one. That's just so much fun. Horrid economy means finding a job is hard as hell. She shouldn't've had me quit my job at the bakery just because they were having problems giving everyone hours. I'd have about 18 hours a week right now if it weren't for her. But. Oh well. So now I'm applying for jobs at all sorts of locations because I have a week to get a job apparently... but now more like... 2 days. When she first told me, and I got back down to the basement here, everything started hitting me, and mostly the worry about being separated again. I have issues as it is, even if they are getting better. But being pretty much flat-out told that if I don't get a job, I'm not going to see my boyfriend when I have separation anxiety and abandonment issues isn't the best thing in the world, even if they don't know I have these issues. When she called me back up to apologize for her tone and I started into tears, I flat-out lied about stress, about her and her husband arguing about money, as the reason for my tears instead of the truth, that I was terrified to lose my boyfriend. I need to call places tomorrow to see if I can get anything out of them...
 
And the family dog (his family, not mine) is having more issues. First, his heart murmur was getting worse and he was gaining weight (the only exercise that dog gets is barking at people and trying to eat them through glass), then he wound up getting an infection somehow and got penicillin for it.
 
Apparently... he has an allergy to penicillin. Boyfriend's parents woke up to him freaking out and leaking stool all over the place in their bedroom, pretty much a full bowel release. (Well, they didn't wake up to it, now that I think about it, but close enough.) They had him wrapped up in a sheet and boyfriend took him out to the car so they could take him to the vet. Boyfriend got really stressed out about that because Hershey's eyes were terrified, and boyfriend thought that was the last time he'd get to see the dog... Thankfully his boss understands enough English to understand the cherished family pet is in a crisis and let him have an extra hour or two off for break so he could go see him. (Oh yeah, my boyfriend got a job as a delivery boy, much to his dad's displeasure, since there's only one car atm.) I'm not that fond of the dog, but... I can feel compassion. They've got him at the hospital now, had him moved after a few hours of being hooked up to an IV, having some oxygen to calm down and having a couple blood tests run. Stressful day for everyone... surprised my boyfriend had that much of an emotional connection to the dog...
 
 
My parents are doing okay, as far as I'm aware... My brother's trying to get a CDL license, not sure how well that'll work out for him, being an alcoholic schizophrenic and all. He's trying though, from what my mom said... I think what I told him really hit home. "Are you taking your medicine? No? Then I don't want to talk to you. I will not talk to you until you do." in my firm tone. Hurt me to say it, but I was able to push it away since I knew it would help everyone, or at least hoped it would... My brother's done a lot of hurt to my family, but he wants a connection with me. I'm one of the few that can listen and tell him what he wants to hear, even though he doesn't seem to realize it and claims everyone else tells him what he wants to hear. Unless them telling him the truth is what he wants to hear and me telling him stories (essentially) is what he wants to hear. I dunno... It sucks all-around. Sandy and the others still need to be fixed. Mom's the only one with a paycheck coming in and my brother may have a heart issue stemming from my mom's side of the family. So I might be a schizophrenic with heart disease in the future. Yay.
 
 
One more thing to worry about...
 
 
I try to keep my head up, but it's hard sometimes... Sometimes it's best to stay in my own little world...
 
 
My tomato plants are coming along pretty well. Got two of them, need to keep them alive... get to give them nearly a quarter gallon of water each a morning since they wilt so badly. Hopefully I won't be going to Maine so I can focus on them, but... if he goes, I do, too. I'll see if I can ask someone to come water them. I really don't want them to die since I don't have a greenhouse. My cacti are doing fairly well, too... Repotted everyone, pretty much. Julius is not sitting properly, not partially buried. My stick re-pupped and is now sitting in better soil as is it's barrelmate. It's actually grown a nice little bit... I'm a little worried about one of my Oriental Moons though... It's stock got damaged pretty badly, so I don't think it'll really survive, but I keep watering it. Miracle Gro, too. Everyone's been getting some.
 
 
My DS is on the swift road to retirement, too... It's been cracked in the usual place that they crack. I need to get a replacement and get this one sent on it's way to being recycled... I'll email Nintendo later today or something... I dunno.
 
 
 
If anyone wants a Google+ invite, let me know.

Things I Know to Be True

Eyup! And again I failed!

I'll do 10 of them to make up for it ♥


In no particular order as always:
  • Lemon teas are usually awesome, especially hot Lemongrass tea.
  • Sometimes you just need a good, solid book.
  • Be careful how many tomatoes you eat because, while that fruit is tasty, your mouth will hate you for it.
  • Banana peppers add just the right amount of flavor to roast beef sandwiches (and I mean the fresh-sliced kind).
  • There is nothing better than dirt roads and thunderstorms.
  • Life is short, talk to your family.
  • Everyone needs a little something to believe in.
  • Don't piss off the faeries, otherwise they'll hide your wallet from you for three months.
  • Have an old friend you haven't talked to in a while? Go send them a message or call them; it'll brighten their day (provided you're on speaking terms). **
  • The smell of horses is one of the calmest scents ever.


** Okay, so it's not much of a truth and more of a word of guidance. It works, though.

Things I Know To Be True

In no particular order:
  • I can stand tall, but I have trouble finding my feet sometimes.
  • I can speak for what I believe in, but I have trouble finding my voice sometimes (my mind, too).
  • There is nothing better than a good book on a rainy day.
  • Ghost Walks (something in a couple dreams of mine) are curious, yet very sad.
  • Nothing is better than cheesy, salsa-fied fried rice. *Sharp nod.*
Yeah, I failed yesterday. I gotta post this in two other locations as well. 

I Have Been Inspired

 Sarah Kay has inspired me to begin writing again, at least poetry. (An amazing section at about 11:20ish, also.) Hopefully, I'll go further and begin truly writing again, roleplaying, but... that might be further along in the future; I'll stay optimistic though.


I'll start with an exercise she talks about, Things I Know to Be True. They can be about anything, technology, books, family, music - anything.

I'll do three tonight:
Wind has it's own voice.
Mimosas (Persian Silk Trees) are beautiful with lovely little pink flowers.
Beef and cheddar roast beef sandwiches (from Arby's) are totally yummy ♥


Hopefully I'll do some of these every day for a while. I hope I can do five tomorrow.

This Month

February 2015
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A little ditty about me.

I'm a small-town girl living in St. Louis. I don't get to go out much, but having work lets me get out from time to time and I greatly enjoy that :D I'm trying to learn Mandarin, Swedish and Hindi. Mandarin because it'd be awesome to speak Chinese, Swedish because I have a Swedish friend (even if we don't really talk) and an Alaskan friend that speaks Swedish, and Hindi because I think I'm working for a couple of Indians, but I'm not certain yet and I don't want to ask right off the bat for fear of being rude, y'know?


I love Final Fantasy 8, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend, but I also love Final Fantasy's 4 through 10 and 12. (Zomg, 12 is so much fun!) I also love Pokemon, Digimon, Doctor Who and several others (that escape my mind at the moment). I also love reading (finally got the 7th Harry Potter book for my birthday this year :D Much better than booze! And yes, I had read it before then. And I did cry then, too, just like I do on the 5th and 6th books.)

I grew up with Toy Story and I don't know what kind of person I'd be today if I hadn't ever heard the phrase "To infinity and BEYOND!" as well as "That's gliding... with style!" I finally got to see the third movie on 2/12/2011, which was awesome! I so totally started to cry, but then choked it back because I didn't want to cry in front of my boyfriend's dad and a friend of his and the friend's son.


I have a lot more likes and loves of which you may most likely get to read about as you get to peer through the pages of my life.


You can call me Oddish, Chevko, Chevvy (two v's there!), Buggy or Bug as my newest online monikers. (I think I used that word right...) I love life and teeter often between being scared of losing it and the ones I care so much for and holding calmly the knowledge of what to expect as the time comes for me to leave the shell we all call a "body". I don't know what happens after leaving the shell, but I do take a small comfort in knowing what it's like to leave.


I'm crazy, nutty, possibly going to wind up a schizophrenic or with cancer due to my genetic history, and this is my life.

Hope you enjoy your stay!




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